"Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway." -Mother Teresa
These past few months, Sergio has been my faithful, bring-me-back-to-realty husband/friend. He has held my hand, listen to me cry, and rebuke me when I didn't want to hear it. He pushes me to grow, and I hate to admit it, but I am extremely stubborn.
This past weekend, Sergio made reservations for me to stay in a hotel room ALONE for two, whole nights! What an amazing gift! I know that I've shown my ugly side to him way too many times and he knew that I needed some time to process my emotions. So, he took me into downtown Nashville & left me there to do just that.
I thought that I'd get a lot of writing accomplished. I've been working on a piece about my dad and his suicide, but realized that it was time to lay that piece of work to rest. My heart was too consumed by wanting to understand his depression and why he did what he did. It was not good for me and as I prayed, I felt the Lord tell me that "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23.
I spent Saturday morning walking the streets of a hip area with fun boutiques. It was so peaceful to just look around shops and to not really think of anything. I didn't know anyone in sight and it didn't really bother me until I was walking back towards the hotel. This is when loneliness pushed my heart towards missing Joplin.
God gave me some special friends back in Joplin that I cherish deeply. They have walked through hardships with me & have lowered me through the roof when I could not get to Jesus.
They have cried with me, laughed with me, and have helped me become who I am today.
And I miss them.
God had other plans for my family, and it has not been easy on my heart. In the busyness of life, I have pushed my emotions to the side to care for others and this has taken a toll on my behavior. "The behavior a person exhibits is an expression of the overflow of the heart." -Ginger Plowman
It is though I have tried to stand on my two feet alone, all by myself. But, I can't. I have fallen hard. God does not call us out into ministry alone. I am too weak for that.
This weekend, I have also felt the deep sadness of leaving my family. We had to leave at a time of chaos. Not only was it a week after the Joplin tornado, but it was also just a few days after my mom was released from ICU and of my uncle's passing. I have felt such a guilt of not being there to help my sister take care of mom and not being able to attend his funeral. In these past six months, I have missed my family deeply and have longed to be with them.
God has called us to "leave our family for a short time so that others can be family for eternity." -Sister Wadsworth
My heart has been heavy for months and Sergio knew this before I realized it for myself. I needed this past weekend in order to rest, to be still, and to remember that no matter where I am....God is still God.
"God speaks in the silence of the heart. Listening is the beginning of prayer." -Mother Teresa
As for me and my heart, I have found rest in Him. There's a sense of renewal within my soul.
"I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalms 91:2
For such a time as this, God has placed me here in Nashville. I will love others as deeply and dearly as I loved back in Joplin. I choose love, not for my sake, but for His alone.
And the cool thing is....is that God is already at work here. I have seen Him working through the kindness of my neighbors and through the church. I can't wait to share those stories of our Jehovah Jireh!
My getaway with the Lord this weekend was absolutely intense, humbling, & freeing. It was necessary. Sergio blessed with me with the perfect gift.
I couldn't have asked for anything more. Thank you, Sergio. I love you.